Sunday, June 8, 2008

Why?

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The question that will never have an answer. Why? Someone tell me the reason for taking my Dad when the pain is still so fresh from losing my little brother 7 years ago. I don't understand. I don't think I can do this again.

Last Friday, May 30, my Father passed away. And it still feels far too surreal to type that. I am completely heartbroken. Shocked. Devastated. Lost. In denial. Grieving the loss of the most selfless man that I've ever known. Trying desperately to hold it all together. They initially told us that it was a heart attack. A few days later we found out that it was an accident at work that is still unclear. And now there are so many questions that closure feels out of reach. I want to say that it's unfair. But it never is fair for a girl to lose her Daddy.

The service was Tuesday. It was a beautiful service and I was overwhelmed by the number of people that came out to support us and to show what an amazing influence my Dad had on their life. What an honor to have a Father that has touched so many. He truly was an incredible man. I feel like I'm lacking the words right now to do this post justice. At the service, I read something that I wrote for him last year, so I will leave it here as a tribute to my Dad...

While many kids have fathers that golf, fish, smoke cigars, and wear ties... I do not. I have a Big Don. To say that he's far from conventional is an understatement. But he's the reason that my childhood was so colorful. So full of laughter. So much fun. He's the only Dad I know that drove a baby blue minivan, tinted, complete with a sound system; amp, sub woofers, the whole works. And he'd come cruising down the street with country music blaring and bass pumping. He'd tell dirty jokes in the most inappropriate of times. He's had a mohawk. He started food fights. He once let us dye his hair purple with grape Kool-Aid, and got angry when it just wasn't purple enough. He drove a Harley Davidson. And then a crotch rocket. I've been lucky enough to witness him sing 'I'm too Sexy' in rabbit-skin briefs and a feather headband. He has a tattoo. He had a tongue ring. He laughs at himself. He enjoys life, and doesn't care what anyone else thinks about it along the way. I think this picture pretty much sums it up... This was his choice of attire for my birthday party. At McDonald's. Now that's classic.
He's everything that other Dads were not. And I adore him for that. I wouldn't change a thing. Because beyond the abundance of humor, he is the most kind, hardworking, selfless person that I know. He was always willing to drop anything to help someone in need. I don't know anyone with a bigger heart.

My Dad was 50 years old. Despite reaching this milestone, I think we all knew he would never truly 'grow up'. And that's just one of the many things that we all love and will miss about him. These are some of the memories I will forever cherish.
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I love you Daddy...
Photo credit: Del Sol Photography

24 comments:

Ashley said...

April,

No words can ever define how sorry I am for your loss. Reading this gave me goosebumps and absolutely broke my heart. From one daddy's girl to another, I cannot fathom the pain that you are feeling right now. If there is a silver lining (and I know there's really not), it's that your brother is no longer alone up there.

I am so sorry and I hope you get the closure you so deserve as soon as possible.

If there is anything I can do at all, please don't hesitate to email.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.

Ashley

Sarita said...

Oh April, I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Amanda said...

{{{HUGS}}} again April. I loved your tribute and sharing your stories about your father. You have such wonderful memories and it sounds like he made the most of every moment he was alive.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Just Another Small Town Girl said...

April, I am so so sorry. Thoughts and prayers are being sent to you and your family.

Vanessa said...

April - I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this hard time.

AlleighGrrrl said...

April, your post is just heartwrenching, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss, and my thoughts are with you and your family.

A Real Librarian said...

Oh, April, I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing the stories about your dad - they are so beautiful. Hold on to those. ***hugs*** My thoughts are with you and your family.

Mary said...

April,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary

Chrissy said...

April,

I think Ashley said everything I was feeling and had planned to say to you. I know words can't physically comfort you, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Chrissy

Christine said...

I love you

Kim said...

April, I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart broke for you when I read about it on the photo board. Know that you and your family have been in my prayers and I hope it gets easier for you soon. Take care of yourself.

Rhonda said...

Oh April,
I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you and your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

{{{hugs}}}
I'm so so very sorry. Take care.
Rhonda

Christy said...

i'm so sorry for your loss. i can't imagine what you must be going through during this difficult time. my thoughts are with you and your family. (((HUGS)))

MissRancher said...

I'm so, so sorry. I remember you posting that pic of your dad bumping bellies at your wedding on DW. My heart goes out to you.

I wrote this shortly after my dad passed away. Maybe it can bring you some comfort.
********************

I see my father’s soul
in the ocean,
where the moonlight
makes love with the waves–
droplets of gold lighting across
the dark beauty rolling closer,
pushing gently, ever forward,
leaving only breath in its wake.

Emptiness courses out of me,
witnessed only by the stars
in their cold, black sky,
as my sorrow, endless and aching
crushes the beach with its weight.

Somewhere past the horizon
where the ocean dips and the stars
fear to shine, my father waits,
ever patient, knowing one day
the ocean will bring me back
to see him again.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry April. My heart is breaking for you. When my dad died, I thought the world would stop and I was angry when it didn't. One thing that made me feel better was to realize while I had my father for too short of a time, I had a way better one than most people could even hope for. Sounds like you are in the same boat. *hugs* Please come talk to us in ND if you need some support and love.

Sarah said...

April...I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and your family. Please know we are here for you if you need us. {{hugs}}

Scarlett Lillian said...

Awww April. What a beautiful tribute. Thank you emailing me and sharing with me of your own loss in the midst of a difficult time I am having with my dad's cancer. We daddy's girls gotta stick together! I can't even imagine not being able to say goodbye to your dad, but I hope you can realize how blessed you are for being able to have had him walk you down the aisle. That is something that brings me to tears, thinking that my dad probably won't be able to. Also be thankful that you have so many pictures of him. I realize in looking at yours that I need more of my dad.

I know this is a difficult time for you right now and how you must feel completely numb having lost the first man you ever loved, but I encourage you to lean on the Lord's strength and comfort during this time. Just as I am trying to do, we must continue trusting that God is working for good even in our bad situations. I will be praying for you April as your heart transitions to life without your dad. It's times like this that you truly learn of the strong woman you already are, thanks to his strength he passed along to you. Go check out the new video I posted on my blog of Jewel singing her new song "Stronger Woman." I hope it encourages you during this time!

Anonymous said...

I love you!
Mom

Mary said...

Again, April, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing I can say to comfort you, but please know that I am here if you need someone to talk to. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Jessica said...

April-

I am soooooo late/behind on this news. My heart aches for you. Reading this post made me cry. It never seems fair when these things happen. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. Reading this post made me realize how I take my own father for granted. Putting off visits thinking it can be done another day. Thank you for reminding me that we should never take the time we have with the people we love for granted.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

-Jessica

Anonymous said...

OMG, I'm so sorry for your loss April.
I do feel your pain. My heart goes out to you and your familly.
Be strong darling... If your need me you have my email...
Your friend -Fanny-

Erin said...

I am so sorry, April. It's so obvious from your wedding photos what a special bond you had with your dad. Best wishes to you and your family.

Sol Tamargo said...

I'm lucky to have meet him once, and photograph him bringing you down the aisle on your wedding day, tearing up when dancing with you.

For what I have read, you had one of the best daddys in the whole world, and you were blessed.

Life is such a gift, and seems to short when we suffer this kind of loss.

All our love to you.

Mateo & Sol Del Sol photographers

Michelle Stacey said...

April, so sorry for the loss of your father.

misseswilson from dw/the knot.