Here!

We haven't disappeared! I'm in the process of organizing the millions of photos that we have on our computer. I'm so behind on it that I really need to find a more efficient way to do this. I just finished ordering the photos from our trip to San Francisco in September... so, yeah, I'm a slacker. We've had a great past couple weekends. Mother's Day weekend was wonderful and we got to spend fun times with both of our Moms. Last weekend was fabulous... loooooooove holiday weekends. We need more of them! We went to a Blues Festival/Wine Tasting at Chaddsford Winery. Good times, good wine, a picnic lunch, beautiful weather... happy sigh... But no photos. Kev banned my camera and I was forced to just enjoy my wine and bask in the sun. No complaints.

Chloe enjoying the sun and freedom...

Loss.

Loss changes. It changes your life, your family, your future. Most of all it changes you. To the core. And you can't ever go back to the person you were before. Today is the 7 year anniversary of losing my little brother. I long for my perfect little world back... parents married for 25 years, a brother, a sister, two dogs, two cats in a happily chaotic suburban home. With one piece missing, it all felt so different. So incomplete. So unfair. What I wouldn't give to once again live in that impenetrable bubble of naivety where it just. couldn't. happen. to. us.

Most of the days after the accident are foggy. There's a moment that I remember with striking clarity. My first time in the car alone, I turned on the radio and heard...

And it's a great day to be alive

I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes

There's some hard times in the neighborhood

But why can't every day be just this good?

And I knew. It's so characteristic of him. While there are many things that trigger memories, this song is significant to me. Every time I hear it, I know it was my brother's reassurance that I will be ok... and his reminder to appreciate life.

7 years. In some ways it feels so fresh, and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I last heard his laugh. How I miss that uninhibited, often mischievous laugh. As much as I cling to the memories, I try so hard to just embrace my life for what it is now. Because with all that this loss has taken, I can see how very much I've been blessed with...

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday..."
~Kenny Chesney

Birthday Party!

Krista had a 1st birthday for Lorenz and 3rd birthday for Matty at the Quakertown Train Station. Fun! The boys are almost exactly 2 years apart... separated by only a day. Could there be anything more appropriate than a Thomas the Tank Engine theme? I don't think so...

Happy Mother's Day!

When we woke up this morning, Kev turned to me and said "Happy Mother's Day." I rolled my eyes at him and smiled. He replied, "What? You're a mother to Chloe." Sadly, I don't think that being a puppy momma is widely acknowledged on Mother's Day. It was a sweet thought though...

Security blankets...

I used to have a Carebear that was my 'security blanket'. It was the brown one with the big heart on it's belly. Tenderheart Bear. I loved that bear... even after it got dirty from being dragged around, the fur got matted down from too much snuggling, and the dog chewed it's cute brown plastic heart-nose off. At 5 years old, I fell on plywood requiring surgery to get all the splinters out of my hands. Tenderheart Bear and I got matching hospital bracelets. I still have that bear somewhere. Despite it's condition, I just can't make myself throw it away.

Chloe has a 'security blanket' of her own. Her soccer ball. I don't know what it is about that ball, but she loves it. She has a whole basket of toys, but the soccer ball is the only thing she wants. She's gone through a few of them by now. Some have been lost due to holes being torn in them, but the majority had to be tossed due to their complete STANKYNESS. Believe me when I tell you, the smell is unbearable. And she loves to play, so she'll bring the ball over and drop it in your lap. You'll pick it up only to find that you've just been stink-handed. This is an odor that lingers and is resilient to hand soap. But you can't be angry because she is just. too. dang. cute. My favorite thing is that she often falls asleep with the soccer ball in her mouth. Like her own little makeshift pacifier. And my heart melts as she kneads her feet, soothing herself to sleep. Love...

Wear Sunscreen...

I came across this video today and it made me a bit nostalgic. I remember it from back in my college days. Wow. Ten years ago. Pretend you didn't hear that. As humorous as it is, there's a lot that rings true. It's interesting to listen to it now after all these years... I can't help but think about how different it seems today than when I first heard it as my 20 year old self. Enjoy these little nuggets of wisdom. I hope they brighten your day, as they did mine!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97, Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Chorus: Brother and sister together will make it through, Some day a spirit will take you and guide you there, I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there for you And I'll be there just helping you out, whenever I can.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Needles...

As I lay face down on the massage table, I had second thoughts. And when the little Asian man told me that some people faint during their first time, I almost got up to leave. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. Maybe I can find a slightly less invasive way to go about this. Maybe I can deal with the vertigo just a little bit longer and if I pray enough it'll go away on it's own.

I admit that I was a cynic. Who ever thinks that being stuck with needles will be beneficial? But I've read on the internet that people who have suffered with vertigo and dizzy spells were helped by acupuncture treatments and at this point, damn near anything is worth a shot. So I forced myself to breathe and hoped for the best. After the first couple needles were placed, I was able to relax. I could barely feel them. Sure, I still freaked out a bit when he parted my hair and I realized, he's going to put a needle in the top of my head! Wha?? But it wasn't that bad! Honest. Didn't hurt. Didn't bleed.

And though it could be the acupuncture, or a coincidence, or a combination of all the things I'm trying... I am starting to feel better and that's really all that matter to me. So I will drink the gag-inducing chinese herbal tea that he gave me, and on Wednesday I will subject myself to the needles once again. I'll take those needles over spinning any day of the week...

This is the needle that had to stay in my ears from Wednesday until Saturday. Freaky, right? They look more terrifying in the photo. In reality, they're only about a cm long.

Happy Friday! Woot!!

I hesitate to say that I'm starting to feel better. Every time that I make that announcement, the vertigo comes back full force and knocks me on my ass. So let's just say that I'm working on it. And I'm trying to keep a more positive attitude about it all. I know that there are people that are far worse off, so I can't whine too much. But it does suck when your world spins for 8 weeks. Ok, enough. I'm attacking this thing with all that I have. I've added the eye doctor and acupuncture to the treatment regimen. More on those fun little visits coming up...

Tulips, revealed! Though not red as I initially hoped, they did bloom into a beautiful orangey-pinky color. Man, I love our previous homeowners. They're pretty good at this gardening business. Makes it real easy for us...

"You know, some people think that dandlions are weeds, but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?" - Peter from The Family Guy