Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Loss.

Loss changes. It changes your life, your family, your future. Most of all it changes you. To the core. And you can't ever go back to the person you were before. Today is the 7 year anniversary of losing my little brother. I long for my perfect little world back... parents married for 25 years, a brother, a sister, two dogs, two cats in a happily chaotic suburban home. With one piece missing, it all felt so different. So incomplete. So unfair. What I wouldn't give to once again live in that impenetrable bubble of naivety where it just. couldn't. happen. to. us.

Most of the days after the accident are foggy. There's a moment that I remember with striking clarity. My first time in the car alone, I turned on the radio and heard...

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neighborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

And I knew. It's so characteristic of him. While there are many things that trigger memories, this song is significant to me. Every time I hear it, I know it was my brother's reassurance that I will be ok... and his reminder to appreciate life.

7 years. In some ways it feels so fresh, and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I last heard his laugh. How I miss that uninhibited, often mischievous laugh. As much as I cling to the memories, I try so hard to just embrace my life for what it is now. Because with all that this loss has taken, I can see how very much I've been blessed with...

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"Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday..."
~Kenny Chesney

10 comments:

Judy Gross said...

I think Donnie is around you all the time and if you listen closely and keep your eyes open you will see/hear all the signs he is sending.

Amanda said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. For some reason, I seem to keep catching all these "death" movies on planes (this week it was The Bucket & PS I love you...) and I'm developing such an irrational fear that something is going to happen to my happy little life..... I just need to let go an denjoy what I've got. {{HUGS}}

bridejenn said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you can find some comfort today.

Anonymous said...

April, as usual your magnificent writing brings me to tears, not always sad tears, also tears of happiness too. Today they are tears of sadness. A sadness that never goes away, you just have to learn to tuck it away from view, and with each passing year, it just becomes different, not better, just different. But like you said, we have to be grateful for what we have, and for the time we had with Donny. Judy is right, if you look closely, you'll see the signs he sends us. :) I love you! mom

Anonymous said...

April , I just read this and the tears flow down my face , even thou I know your father is now with him and happy. You now have two love ones you will miss, but always remember that you were truely blessed to have had them in your life. I didn't know you brother , but I enjoyed Don for the little I got to know him. You and your family are in my heart and prayers. (I only wished I had a brother and father as great as yours for just a little time), God Bless, With All My Love, Mom Rose

judy gross said...

April, I am so sorry! Krista called me yesterday and told me. Your dad was a wonderful man. Erich respected him greatly from the first day he met BigDon. You were blessed to have him for a dad.
Sincerely,
Judy Gross

Christy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that each year brings you more comfort.

Mary said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for the loss that you and your family have endured.

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