Loss.

Loss changes. It changes your life, your family, your future. Most of all it changes you. To the core. And you can't ever go back to the person you were before. Today is the 7 year anniversary of losing my little brother. I long for my perfect little world back... parents married for 25 years, a brother, a sister, two dogs, two cats in a happily chaotic suburban home. With one piece missing, it all felt so different. So incomplete. So unfair. What I wouldn't give to once again live in that impenetrable bubble of naivety where it just. couldn't. happen. to. us.

Most of the days after the accident are foggy. There's a moment that I remember with striking clarity. My first time in the car alone, I turned on the radio and heard...

And it's a great day to be alive

I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes

There's some hard times in the neighborhood

But why can't every day be just this good?

And I knew. It's so characteristic of him. While there are many things that trigger memories, this song is significant to me. Every time I hear it, I know it was my brother's reassurance that I will be ok... and his reminder to appreciate life.

7 years. In some ways it feels so fresh, and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago that I last heard his laugh. How I miss that uninhibited, often mischievous laugh. As much as I cling to the memories, I try so hard to just embrace my life for what it is now. Because with all that this loss has taken, I can see how very much I've been blessed with...

"Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday..."
~Kenny Chesney