Sunday, May 20, 2007

The day my world shattered...

My defender. My playmate. My taunter. My hilarious dancer. My teacher of all 'boy' things. My emergency oil changer. My competition for parent's attention. My 'standing in the corner' buddy. My strength. My favorite one to torment. My fellow schemer. My closest friend. My greatest adversary. My money-lender during college. My always reliable taxi driver to the airport. My constant troublemaker. My first roommate. My partner in crime. My comic relief. My little brother...

2001. I was living my dream... studying a semester in Granada, Spain. I had been living there for almost 5 months... learning so much about the culture, the language, and myself. My life was virtually perfect. Which seems to be the time that life comes crashing down on you. My little sister tore her ACL. Again. I was crushed to hear this... I knew how devastated she was after the first time she tore it and how invasive the surgery was and how painful the recovery. It hurt that I was thousands of miles away during this oh so difficult time for her. To say that I was anxious on the day of her surgery would be an understatement. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... much to the dismay of my señora. I waited and waited for the phone call to say that everything was ok. It never came...

Shortly before noon the next day my phone rang and I answered it with apprehension. It was my Dad. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. My Dad never calls me when I'm away... it's always my Mom. What's going on? Is Christine ok? I can still hear his voice in my head as clearly as if he were calling me at this very moment. Donny was in an accident last night, and he didn't make it. The words echoed in my mind a few times before I was able to grasp them. I screamed. I was in shock. I tried to make myself believe that it was all a dream and I'd wake up like it never happened. I was confused and distraught and scared and disoriented. And this was just the beginning of the onslaught of emotions to come.

The next few days are a complete blur. I remember bits and pieces, kind of like I was drunk through them all though I was not, but by some miracle I was able to make it home. On my flight home I sat next to a friendly elderly woman who tried to make pleasant conversation despite the fact that I was clearly not up for small talk. Do you have any brothers or sisters, she asked. I was stumped. A few days ago, I had a brother and a sister. What do I say now? In an effort to avoid awkwardness, I said, "I have a little sister." But you have a brother too... my subconscious protested. Even if he's not with you now... you have a brother too.

It's been six years since my brother's life was taken far too soon. He was 19. This loss has changed my life in a way that I could never explain. It still feels very surreal. Very fresh. Very painful. I wish I could say that the pain lessens with time but it truly doesn't. I think you just get used to the feeling. Shortly after we lost my brother, I remember talking to someone who stated, "When you experience this type of loss in your life, normal will never be normal again." So true. Every day I wish that my family could go back to the way it was before. Every holiday is marked with a twinge of sadness that comes from knowing that there is and always will be one piece missing. Every day I wonder how different my life would be. Every day I pray that my family never has to face this type of suffering again. Every day I think about what I would give to have my brother meet and get to know my husband. Every day I smile when I recall the past. Every day I encounter something that reminds me of him. Every day I'm enraged about the future memories that were robbed from my family. Every day I miss him. God, I miss him.

“Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.” Virginia Satir

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG April...What a great way to express your feelings.

Your brother can see you and I'm sure he loves your hubby because Kev makes you happy. Your brother can see you wherever he is and must be proud of his big sister.

Your post brought tears to my eyes...

Sarah Gemba said...

April, I have "piel de gallina" reading this. I had no idea your semester in Granada ended so tragically. Take this time to remember your brother and know that he wishes he could be here with you too. ((big virtual hugs))

a real librarian said...

April, this post brought tears to my eyes. What a hard thing to have to deal with, but your words are so heartfelt and touching. Big hugs from me as you remember your little brother. **HUGS**

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen you around the knot for a little while, so I thought I'd check on you here, and now I'm sitting at my computer crying.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope being able to share your feelings helps in some small way. My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad anniversary.

Anonymous said...

April, every word you used to describe Donny couldn't be any more true. I'll never forget all the memories we had growing up. He was always "my husband" when we played house! I'll always laugh when I think of him peeing on the front porch in his sleep! And remember him meeting me half way to pick up his sick big sister from school (I still dont' know how he thought Midway was halfway between home and school!). I think of him often and wish he were here to meet my sons. Erich would be so proud to introduce Matthaus and Lorenz to one of his most beloved friends. We love you Donny!

Dottie said...

April,

I was so touched by your tribute to Donny. You have a gift of expression. I was in tears. Yes me crying!!!!!I was thinking about Donny and the family all week. Even through my extreme happiness being given a miracle ,I felt the sadness of loved ones missing. I cherish the memories and the feeling of their presence each time a thought crosses my mind.
Love, Aunt Dot

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